Confession

I have a new blog. It's been happening for awhile, and I feel like I'm cheating when I "follow' people using Blogger, but never actually post here. SO - if you're interested - go see things I like, with the occasional real post here: http://eaw7m.tumblr.com/

<3

holidaze.

At this point, the month-long break from school is just over halfway. Halfway! There are still two weeks remaining until classes start, but I'm itching to get back to the community I love for one final semester. I wouldn't say that I am bored, I have plenty of things to do, but for the first time I feel like Charlottesville is "home" and Chesapeake is "vacation", and I'm just tired of living out of a suitcase. I am ready to go home.

Break began on December 18th, my twenty-first birthday, when I brought my best friend home with me, and we braved the cold-front on Atlantic St to find a commemorative shot glass for the occasion. Christmas in Chesapeake was a good one, full of family & friends, lights & trees, and a renewed understanding of grace and forgiveness. Radiate 09 brought 2009 to a close with dresses & bow ties, snow/freezing rain, fireworks, and the good ol' song. Then I worshipped in the new year with a thousand of my closest friends, took a ton of pictures, and played four on a couch until the wee hours of the morning.

So after these events, especially Radiate, I am supposed to come back fired up with all the things God taught me, but for the first time I don't feel like I learned anything, but moreso that I'm still learning. The question of interest is what does it mean that God is always with me, when so often I feel alone. My family fails, my friends cannot always be there, and as God reveals more and more what a sinful person I am, I don't even like myself. What I want is a physical, tangible person by my side who can meet my needs, and that desire shows me that I must believe God is not enough to satisfy me. The truth is though, as much as I despise myself for my sinful nature, God loves me in spite of it. And he forgives me. The grace that he continues to show me gives me the confidence that God is with me and he is enough. I don't know where I'm going from here, but I know that God is still showing me more fully what this means, and I look forward a more rich understanding.

---

And since Radiate? I've been running errands, applying to law schools (13!), watching NCIS, and scrapbooking - among other things. And I'll be honest, I'd much rather do these things than go to class. I guess I still need those two weeks I have left :)

Thanksgiving... I spent a very long time looking for the perfect bible verse to describe why we should all be so thankful. I searched until I realized that no verse was going to satisfy me because I was feeling very un-thankful. Time for a reevaluation! Yea, thanksgiving break has been a little more difficult then I expected, but I claim & profess that I will praise the Lord in all times and be thankful in all circumstances... yet here I am, feeling sad and sorry for myself, and the idea of praising God - well, if I'm honest, I just don't want to. It's a struggle between heart and mind, what I know and what I feel. I know I am thankful, yet I feel like I'm some tragic figure that has nothing at all in her life to rejoice in. ::Cue pity music::

Enough of that. I am a type-A driven person, I can get myself out of this funk. [See "Brothers and Sisters"]
... all I need to do is figure out what I am thankful for. So begins the list: friends, family, a roof over my head, food on the table, health, safety ... I think I stole this list from some hallmark greeting card.

Really what am I thankful for?

• friends who ask me what I'm doing for my birthday a month in advance, so they can plan accordingly.
  
• grandmothers who prepare all my favorite foods for dinner, even though she isn't feeling well.
  
• stories of healing, love, and happiness shared with an entire church congregation so everyone can give thanks
• music that brings tears to my eyes (see: Steven Curtis Chapman's new cd or any Andrew Peterson song)
• hugs from cousins who "just want to see you real quick before going to Mom's for thanksgiving" and promises to save a piece of Aunt's famous pecan pie. Heck, I'll save you a whole pie for another hug!
• a roof over my head, food, and safety... it may be cliche, but I am quite happy to have these things.
  
• promises: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control are mine. I will never be alone. I am loved more than I can ever imagine. I will find rest & refuge. No trial will be given to me that I cannot handle. I can do all things through Christ. A covenant that cannot be broken.
  

I am thankful for many things, but a lot of those things could be taken away in an instant. Would I still be thankful? Tonight I asked a friend what she was thankful for, and she said Jesus, because anything else she would be thankful for is because of him, so he covers everything. At first, I claimed cop out because I wanted a list of things she was thankful for, but she reminded me that Jesus is enough. His promises are good and true and enough. HE is enough. I do not need more to be thankful for.

And so, with that simple remark from a friend, I think I'm on my way to rediscovering the goodness of resting in God's grace, and for that, I am thankful.

So today I went to a wedding. Not just any wedding, but the wedding of one of my roommates! Sarah Stosch.. er... Sarah Stewart. It was a beautiful wedding, and there were lots of tears of course. The whole time my thoughts were a mix of "I want to get married" and "this is crazy, they are my age, and they are getting married, and I am not ready to be married." I guess what really got me though was that I went to this wedding with a few friends, but without my family. I've never been to a wedding without my family! I'm finally old enough to go to weddings and other adult things that I remember desperately wishing I was old enough to do a few years ago. Now it feels like the past 5 years of my life absolutely flew by, and suddenly here I am, twenty years old, about to start my final year of college, trying to figure out what God wants me to do with my future, and contemplating what life would be like if I were married.

Holy crap...

I'm all grown up

(ish) :)

I don't sleep before trips...

It is two a.m., and I'm obviously not sleeping. I've just finished (hopefully) packing for my spring break trip to NYC. I'm going with about 21 other really cool people, and I'm so excited!

So here's what I'm excited about:

• intentional relationship building with people who I think are really cool, but don't know very well
• exploring NYC
  
• Broadway shows = love
• seeing God work in really cool ways
• doing various service projects & "reliving" summer project
  

Things that I'm nervous about:

• sharing my faith with other random college students
• jealousy
• feeling overwhelmed in a group 24/7
• unfulfilled expectations
  

So that said, I would LOVE your prayers over the next week. I'm really excited to be doing a trip so similar to my summer project in Seattle from two summers ago, but I'm also nervous that I have unrealistic expectations about how great this week will be. I know that God is going to do some really cool things, and hopefully use us in unexpected ways, and I hope that I can get past my own agenda to actually see the crazy things happening all around me.

In other news, I'm finally done with midterms and able to relax. I don't have class on Fridays, so I spent all day today running errands preparing to leave tomorrow, but I got to end the day hanging out with a few friends watching HSM3 (best movie ever made? okay, maybe not, but still funny and wonderful!). Saddest part of my day though was missing out on catching up with a friend who was in town for the day, because I had such a weird/busy schedule. Friendships are so difficult post college (well, she's post college); it's hard to stay in touch. I'm not incredibly excited about dealing with that in FOURTEEN months, but I'm not going to worry about it for the next thirteen months.

Time to get some sleep! We leave in a few hours... so pray for safe travels for us too! And expect an update when I get back on how amazing the trip was AND how twilight II is (I'll be reading it on the bus!)

love, me